My Life…Such As It Is

Well, as you are no doubt aware, I have been away from this for quite a while. What happened? Well, life got in the way.

I realized at some point last year that I was falling into one of my trademark desperate depressions. Now, I know that most bi-polar folks have depressions, and that we all think ours are the worst. But I happen to be confident that this was one of the worst depressions I had sunk into in a while.

It was really quite depressing. But, what I did was take stock of things and I headed into therapy for the first time in years. Sure, I have a pdoc, but he was getting to the end of his career, and I could see he was just making sure that his patients were not certifiable and not much else.

Nope, I had to get me a therapist. I was quite lucky in finding one near my home who was accepting new clients. So, last fall I headed onto the couch for a while. I also had to deal with a world of other issues, so I kind of focused on one thing at a time.

As a result, this blog was completely ignored. I did not have the concentration, desire of energy to work on this. I was struggling with just about everything, and I was not going to add this to the pile.

Therapy worked wonders. It not only helped with my depression, it helped with many other aspects of my life. Over the last eight months, I have changed the way I eat, the way I think, the way I act and they way I react to my own brain.

I think for the first time in a very long time, I am in control of my own life. There was some fine work done with my therapist and I learned some pretty important things about myself.

Perhaps one of the biggest things that happened was that I let go of my grudges. Now, this may not seem that big a deal on the surface, but let me tell you this: I am 39 years old, and until I let go of some of these grudges, I had been carrying them for more than 30 years. That is an awful lot of anger and resentment to let go.

I thought it would be tough to let go of these things. It was not. It was however an amazing feeling. I felt lighter and a lot less morose when I decided that not everything was worth staying angry about.

Another thing I learned to appreciate was the whole idea of the present. For too long, I had been dwelling on the past, and this was not good. I believe it was the great Canadian poet Gord Downie who wrote “You can’t be fond of living in the past; Cause if you are, there is no way you are going to last.” (Wheat Kings)

That is a very tough lesson to learn. However, eventually I learned that the present is the only time that actually exists. Everything else is speculation and memories. Not to get all ‘new age’ on people, but if you think about, the only thing you can control is right now. You cannot change the past, and you cannot predict the future. It is just wasted energy trying to do either, and it just wore me out.

Like I said, I was into some major therapy. The funny thing was that people I know started to notice the changes that I was making. They commented on the fact that I was less bitter. They noticed that I was smiling and laughing more. Slowly my depression was disappearing, and I was coming out of a fog that I realize had been there for a very long time.

In March, things were getting better, but I was having a hell of a time with sleep and motivation. I decided to take an extended leave from work. For five weeks I was away from the office. For Easter weekend, me and Mrs. Fache decided to get the hell away from Ottawa and snow. We headed to someplace we had never been…the desert. More specifically we headed to Arizona.

This was a fantastic adventure that gave me a really new perspective on things. We flew into Phoenix and then drove through the desert to Sedona Arizona. Sedona, in my opinion, was made for people who need to get away and take stock of their lives. There is something magical about the desert and this little canyon town that is surrounded by red rock buttes and mesas.

You just tend to forget about stress and you cannot help but be in awe of all the surroundings. I spent each morning on my terrace hanging out with a couple of ducks, just the three of us sitting watching the world around us (Mrs. Fache would not come near the ducks…birds weird her out).

Then we would head out and explore the area around us. We explored the dust and rock around that funky little town and found peace. We went to a town called Jerome which is on a mountain-side and has spectacular views and such a laid back feel that everyone feels welcome.

We drove out into the desert at sunset to watch the sun disappear around the curve of the earth. Then we watched the sky fill with more stars than I have ever seen in my life.

We came across a family of Javelinas (wild boars) while exploring the back roads. We went up and down mountains, and into the Grand Canyon. We hung out at funky cafes and diners. We got our kicks on Route 66. It was just an experience like nothing else.

That part of the world is just something extraordinary. I understand why people flock there. I understand Roswell. I get the whole vortex thing. It all makes sense once you have been to the area.

From our trip I have one very tiny regret…that I did not go to Winslow and stand on a corner. Other than that, I think this very short trip was the greatest vacation I have ever been on in my life.

Arizona was the pill I needed to make things all better. It just seemed to give me the ability to put things into perspective and realize that life wasn’t that complex if you just let things go.

Then, when we came back to Ottawa, there was a really nice surprise, the snow had started melting. But in all honesty, the snow was not nearly as depressing upon my return.

All my lessons and therapy were coming to fruition. I was finally starting to see that life was pretty simple, if you let it be that way. I changed a lot of things. I changed the way I ate, and that made a huge difference. It is amazing what eating better food and making better choices can do to your life.

When the return to work was approaching, I was not dreading it as I had feared I would. Rather, it was nice to get back to work with a clear mind and a bit of focus.

That was the end of April. Now we are in the middle of June and I am still going pretty good. But let me tell you, I have been having an adventure still:

I have a new pdoc, who spent some time reading over my file, then spent some time with me. Then he chatted with my wife and friends. All this lead to something surprising for me…a changed diagnosis. Yes the new pdoc has presented the case to me and he is of the belief that I have moved from the world of BPI to BPII. Furthermore, he figured all the meds I was taking were doing more harm than good. So, he took me off of them. I am currently drug free, and I feel great. This is not going to last, and I am well aware of this. But I have to say that I kind of like the fact that I am not on drugs right now, and that I am feeling…well, normal…not my normal normal, but rather normal, as is how most people feel. My mind is clear, I am losing weight, I have energy. Man this is the shit.

It ain’t gonna last, that I know. But in the meantime I am going to ride this fucker out. I am going to see the doc again next week, when I am going to be prescribed my new drugs…Lithium and Lamictal (perhaps). Time to get ready for a new bumpy road. Meh, but such is life.

I think that before things all go sideways again (and they will in about November) I hope to have my new meds doing their work, and that I can continue to follow the path of simplicity.

Oh, yeah and I got a new tattoo.

Castor

p.s. Yes Mom, I used the birthday money you sent me to get the tattoo, sorry.

A Quick Acknowledgement of Life

I am alive and I am doing much better now.

I had a very rough time during the summer, and it was hard to get me to do anything like write on a blog. I was bordering on completely batshit crazy.

After upping all my doses to stupidly high levels, I managed to regain my balance. I am now tapering back down.

I am in a new job, which I enjoy very much and I just got back from a vacation to Boston and NYC. As part of this trip I rewarded myself with a couple of new tattoos…which I will eventually show here…can’t do it from work.

I have the chemical symbols for Seroquel and Epival tattooed on my shoulders.

Cheers for now,

Castor

Manic Much?

Well, eight weeks after I started the stir, I am still not fixed. Nope, not me, I am still crazier than a boatload of clowns.

One would have assumed that going from 25 mg of Seroquel to 200 mg would do something. Nope, it isn’t even helping my sleep. How about the Celexa? Nope, that isn’t really doing anything either. Epival? Well it doesn’t really have a visible effect anyway.

Fuck me. I am going to have to increase the amount of Seroquel I am taking. But here is the fun part…both my docs are on vacation (well, okay, one is actually kind of retired) and thus it is up to me to adjust on my own. I know the rules, but I want to be sure I am not messing things up too much. So, do I go to a third doctor who is not familiar with my case, or do I just apply the rules and see what happens?

It is a tough situation. I am going to have to go with increasing the medications without seeing a doc and see how this one plays out. So, 100mg more of Seroquel will be added to my regimen. I will adjust to take 50 mg thrice daily and 150 before bed. Yay! I love what Seroquel does to my metabolism.

I am going to look on the positive side of things though, and I will believe that this increase will end the problems I am having. I am looking forward to being able to concentrate for more than 20 minutes. I am looking forward to being able to read a book again. Oh how I will relish a decent night’s sleep. Most of all, I will relish no longer being batshit crazy.

Just to put things in perspective; I believe that this is the longest cycle I have been on in a very long time. This will be the highest amount of drugs I will have taken to help fight the crazies.

I know things must be bad, because all the vices that I have controlled rather well over the last 10 or 12 years are creeping back. I really want to gamble. I am buying lotto scratches like they are going out of style. I am sucked into the allure of video poker. I want to have a drink and a smoke so fucking bad I can taste it. And I have not wanted to hit a bong this bad in many many years.

Now, I assume these are all very bad signs that something is completely fucked in my head. I have not smoked (anything) since I met my wife over 12 years ago; I will occasionally have a beer, but I have not been shitty drunk for at least 8 years; Gambling and me do not get along, I have not set foot in a casino in near 10 years and I only occasionally play poker with my friends.

Thus, these sudden urges are telling me the mix is breaking into a manic, and I would concur with that. It would seem that the more I examine it, the more I see this. I should be sure to tell my wife, so that she can compile a list of chores to do. Last time I was seriously manic I finished the basement of my house and painted a couple of rooms.

I wonder what will happen this time.

I am better than dirt.

Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt…I can’t compete with that stuff.

Such are the words of Moe Syzlak, ne’er do well bartender from the Simpsons. I have this quote posted in my office. I feel it represents the way that I feel most of the time. I empathize with Moe very closely, sometimes too closely.

These days I am feeling like dirt. I am not having an easy time of it. My med levels are going up, and I am getting to the point where there are so many drugs running through my system that I can’t really figure out how I feel. I am sure some of you out there may be familiar with this.

But hey, for every bit of crunchy, there is something smooth right? I have managed to hone my typing skills. Somehow, though I live in a drug-haze for half the day, I am able to type at a blazing rate. My accuracy is bang-on and I can spit out a paragraph quicker than it would take me to speak it out loud.

I am not sure why I have developed this ‘side-effect’ but I have it. It seems rather peculiar given the sluggishness of the rest of me. Either way, it is nice to be able to spit out 60 words a minute now. Perhaps it will even inspire me to actually write something. At that rate I could put together a short story in a matter of hours. Mind you, I would have to have clear thoughts. Perhaps not.

So, it appears that I am not longed for this job. I will be moving on sooner rather than later to another group here where I will be acting more as a project manager. I think I will be better suited to this, rather than what I am doing now.

I recently came to the conclusion that I am just the sort of person who will fit into the standard box in this field of work. I do not deal with stress well…it sets me off into a ‘state’ (it’s like flipping a coin…sometimes manic, sometimes depression) and I become ineffective. The fact is that the group I am currently working with is under enormous pressure and stress, and I am not healthy as a result.

I have also recently decided that I am no longer really interested in pursuing the next big promotion. I think that just adds pressure and makes things difficult for me. I think the rat race and looking for the next big opportunity is only causing me grief and affecting my quality of life, so fuck it, I am done.
Yeah, from now on I am a happy go lucky worker monkey who just does what he is asked to do.

At this is a long weekend…

Tuesday, Just a Monday in Disguise

Well, being as how I work in La Belle Province, I had yesterday off. Long weekend! I have another next weekend too! Wooo…this rocks.

So, I am back at work this week after having my docs adjust the bejesus out of my medications. I went to see the doctor on Thursday last, and she doubled my daily dose of Seroquel. Lucky me. I am still not able to shake the morning fog. However, she did suggest that I take the largest portion of the meds, 100 mg later in the evening or just before bedtime. That means I should be getting a decent night’s sleep. You would think anyhow.

The truth is I am still not getting a great night’s sleep. I tend to get better sleep in the morning; usually I can go from 8 until noon without waking. I can do that on weekends, but otherwise, I am shit out of luck.

From the other perspectives of the change in drug levels, they seem to be doing their job. I am a little more even keeled and my mind is quieting down. I am grateful for that. Mind you, I am gaining weight, but I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Last week was interesting, and I have just begun to absorb what happened. I had a meeting with the boss last week, in which she expressed concern over my health and my ability to do my job. This is not the first time this has happened in my career, so I am used to it. Anyway, she expressed concern specifically that the stress in this group would have a negative impact on my performance. Now, I openly acknowledge that stress and I do not get along. Often, I breakdown and make poor choices when under stress resulting in more work or trouble for me at which point it becomes a repeating cycle. I have learned to manage stress for the most part, but occasionally, I have a slight problem with it. As I have recounted, recently I have been having problems. I should have seen them, and I should have been able to make the changes needed to adjust, but for some reason I did not and I found myself in a bad way.

So, the boss sees this and makes note. She is concerned about losing a member of the team to stress, and she makes that clear. I understand that, I have no problem with someone being frank and honest about their stance. She needs to have everyone working on all cylinders and working at capacity. I have not been in any shape to do that as of late.

It was at this point that she asked me if I was happy in the group. Now, this was a new question for me, and I had to think. I replied that I am somewhat happy, I like most of the people, but I am not pleased with the way some things have gone. None of these things were really in anyone’s control, so I am sure I am not the only one who was unhappy.

Then came the question about what I would like or want to do…it always comes up. The answer is usually the same. I want to be able to do research and write. I am best suited to a position where you can stick me in a corner with pages of reports and I can then interpret them. I love being able to keep abreast of the latest trends and as a communications person, that means public opinion research and media monitoring. I am happy in a position where one can be busy all the time, but the subject of the work is always changing or at least fluid.

Great we have that out of the way. Now the boss says that she would like to help me find a position that is best suited to me and that has some of the elements that I mentioned. In other words…hey Castor, we don’t want to push you out the door, but don’t let it hit you on the way out. In all honesty, if she can help me find a position that I am happier in that has less stress, then I am all for it. In reality, I have been looking for a new job for at least six months, the situation here is unsettled at best. Now, given her concern, I have to wonder what she has said to any potential employers who may have called checking my references. I would hate to have lost an opportunity because of this. Especially considering that these positions I am in the running for are promotions, and bring with them an additional $7K a year in the first year and $11K by after three years.

We will have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks. Have I been shafted once again, or will things work out for me? Stay tuned to find out…it will be an adventure either way.

Let's Review...

Since the last time I wrote anything for this here bloggy thing, I have continued to enjoy the pharmacological cocktail that I described last time. Suffice it to say, my body is getting used to it, and that in turn means that I must be getting close to the point where drugs are going to need to be adjusted.

Whereas my sleep was great for the first while, and I greatly appreciated that, it has now returned to a much interrupted affair. I wake at least five or six times during the night, and it is not caused by anything in my environment. This tells me that I am going to need some adjustment to the drugs.

As for the other symptoms, the same can be said. I have had crazy swings between sadness and anger, sometimes bordering on rage. The other day, a fellow on the bus said something rather inappropriate to me and used some off colour language. When I managed to exit the bus, I confronted him, and I swear for the first time in a very long time I was prepared to lay a beating on someone. Fortunately for him, he seemed to perceive this as well, and he managed to diffuse the situation.

Now this may be confusing, but I know that I was ready to be violent because I was quiet and my voice was firm but quiet. I did not use aggressive language, but I was insistent. When I get like this, it usually means that someone is going to get hurt. It may be me, but usually it involves several people pulling me off of another person.

Stress is a problem. I admit that openly and honestly. I am fully aware that stress is perhaps the largest single influence on the symptoms that I show and on my mental well being. I am not an idiot, I understand the way this whole thing works.

So what does Doc Fache think? Well, I am still cycling, and it may be time to adjust the meds and perhaps change or add some as well. I will find out tomorrow. That is when I go visit the doctor who actually went to medical school. You know, as opposed to me, who just reads a lot.

Where has Castor Been?

Well the truth of the matter is that I have been on a trip…and not the good kind either. I managed to thrust myself into a full blown episode recently. It all started towards the end of April. I was moving along rather well then. Then I started to notice that my sleep was waning. I was also starting to get a little irate.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I was also starting to get excessively productive. You know, getting things done quickly and effectively. The rage was starting to build though. I was blowing up at anything, watching the news became an impossibility. I was beginning the cycle.

Now, a couple of weeks back, things got really twisted. I was emotional and yet I had no empathy. I was angry, yet I was telling jokes and making people laugh. I was exhausted and I was not sleeping even with the aid of sleeping pills and other stuff. Then one morning, I realized I was losing my grip. I mean, I actually knew that I was letting go of reality and normalcy.

I was in the office, and I was working away at a fairly important project. My mind was not on it at all. I was thinking about a billion different things, but this project was not one of them. At the same time I was still amazingly productive on the project. It went pretty well. Then I would become enraged and nasty for no apparent reason. Noises began to irritate the ever loving snot out of me. I just could not handle much anymore.

I went to see the doc, knowing full well that I was in the midst of a mixed episode (at least) and who knows what else. The doc was good. She listened and nodded when she was supposed to, and then she told me what I needed to hear…take your drugs dummy. She upped my doses on just about all of the medications that I take.

I now take 20 mg of Celexa each day (I was off the stuff), along with 150 mg of Seroquel (up from 25 mg as needed), and 1000 mg of Epival (up from 500 mg) to top things off.

The Seroquel is kicking my ass. On the positive side, I am sleeping now and I can think and concentrate without a billion other thoughts rushing through my head. On the negative side…I need bleeding nap in the middle of the day, and I crave carbs like no tomorrow.

I guess that part of all of this is my own damn fault. I did two things wrong. I stopped taking some of my meds on my own, and I did not recognize the early signs of a mixed episode when they presented themselves to me. Like many folks who are bipolar, I tend to be a little resistant to my situation. I am stubborn and a little too bull-headed to acknowledge even to myself that I need to up my doses.

Drugs blow. Really they do. I do not like taking them, and I really do not enjoy the way that my body gets kicked about while I am taking them. It hardly seems fair that the drug I take to quiet my brain will also cause me to crave carbohydrates and perhaps cause diabetes. Great, so my choices are be unbalanced and have no worries about diabetes, or be balanced and have to accept the fact that there is a real good chance of getting another chronic problem. Thanks Drugco!

Anyway, I am back at life. I am at the office and I am trying to get work done. I am still a little wonky from the meds, but overall I have my brain back, and I hope that soon enough I will be able to make it through the day without having to take a nap. Oh the things I have to look forward to.

Later.